CEO jokes

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world."

— George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright

Overview

CEO Jokes
Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, laughing
Genre	Corporate satire / Black comedy
Origin	Industrial Revolution
Targets	Chief Executive Officers (CEOs)
Common themes	Greed, disconnect from reality, golden parachutes
Typical settings	Boardrooms, limousines, golf courses
Risk level	Safe for investors, dangerous for employees

👨‍💼 CEO jokes are a specialized subset of corporate folklore and workplace satire, primarily serving as a coping mechanism for the proletariat to process the existence of the chief executive officers. These narratives typically explore the complex socioeconomic phenomenon where a single individual earns 400 times the average employee's salary while possessing a significantly lower understanding of how to convert a Word document into a PDF.

The genre is characterized by a recurring cast of archetypes, most notably the "Chief Executive," who is often depicted as a figure of limitless ambition but limited empathy. Common themes include the miraculous transmutation of mass layoffs into record-breaking quarterly bonuses, the belief that "synergy" is a tangible product, and the physiological inability to fly in an aircraft that is not privately owned.

From an anthropological perspective, these jokes function as a "reverse performance review," allowing subordinates to evaluate leadership based on metrics such as disconnect from reality and golf handicap. Unlike actual corporate strategies, which often result in restructuring and panic, CEO jokes consistently deliver a high Return on Investment (ROI) in the form of brief, bitter laughter before the Monday morning meeting.

~*~

The glass eye

👁️ A terrifyingly strict CEO calls an employee into his office to fire him. The employee pleads for his job, mentioning his mortgage and his three kids.

The CEO thinks for a moment and says, "Tell you what. I’m feeling generous today. One of my eyes is actually a glass eye. It is the finest prosthetic eye money can buy; it cost me $50,000. If you can tell me which eye is the glass one, I will let you keep your job."

The employee looks intently at the CEO's face for a few seconds. He looks at the left eye, then the right eye.

"It’s the left one, sir," the employee says confidently.

The CEO is stunned. "That is amazing! I have fooled top surgeons with this eye. How could you possibly tell?"

"Well sir," the employee replies, "it was the only one that looked at me with a spark of compassion."

~*~

The compassionate offer

🏠 A CEO is walking from his limousine to his front gate when he notices a homeless man eating grass by the side of the road.

The CEO stops and asks, "Why are you eating grass?"

"I don't have any money for food," the man replies.

"Oh, that is terrible," says the CEO. "You must come to my house immediately."

" But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along!" says the CEO.

The homeless man is almost in tears. "Sir, you are the kindest, most generous man I have ever met. Thank you for feeding us."

"Don't mention it," says the CEO. "You're going to love it. The grass in my backyard is over a foot tall."

~*~

The smartest man in the world

🪂 A plane is carrying four passengers: a Boy Scout, a priest, the "Smartest Man in the World," and a Fortune 500 CEO. Suddenly, the pilot bursts out of the cockpit.

"The engines have failed!" the pilot screams. "We are going down! I have one parachute, and I have a family!" He grabs a pack and jumps out.

The four passengers look around. There are only three parachutes left.

The "Smartest Man in the World" stands up. "I am the world's top astrophysicist. My life is critical to the future of humanity. I cannot die." He grabs a pack and jumps.

The CEO stands up next. "I manage a multi-billion dollar hedge fund. I am a titan of industry. The economy depends on me." He grabs a pack and sprints out the door.

The priest looks at the little Boy Scout with a sad smile. "My son, I have lived a long life. You are young and have your whole future ahead of you. Take the last parachute."

The Boy Scout looks at the priest and says, "Don't worry, Father. We're both going to be fine."

"How is that possible?" asks the priest. "There is only one parachute left."

"It's okay," says the Boy Scout. "The Titan of Industry just grabbed my backpack."

~*~

The corporate tree

🌳 A new employee asked the HR Director to explain the company hierarchy.

"Imagine a giant tree," the HR Director said. "The CEO and the executives are at the very top, clinging to the highest branches. Middle management is in the middle branches, and the workers are on the lower branches."

"That sounds nice," the employee said. "Everyone has a place."

"It depends on your perspective," the HR Director replied. "When the guys at the top look down, all they see are smiling faces. But when the guys at the bottom look up, all they see are assholes."

~*~

The funeral

⚰️ The CEO of a massive corporation passed away suddenly. At the funeral, the line of people waiting to pay their respects stretched for blocks. It was the largest gathering the city had seen in years.

A passerby stopped a weeping employee and asked, "My goodness, was he really this popular? He must have been a truly inspiring leader to have thousands of employees show up to say goodbye."

The employee wiped his eyes and replied, "Oh, we didn't come to say goodbye."

"Then why are you all here?"

"We just wanted to make sure he was actually in the box."

~*~

The lunch break

🧞‍♂️ A Junior Sales Associate, an Administration Clerk, and the CEO are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it, and a Genie pops out.

"I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one," says the Genie.

"Me first! Me first!" says the Associate. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! He’s gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the Clerk. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life." Poof! She’s gone.

"You’re next," the Genie says to the CEO.

The CEO straightens his tie, looks at his watch, and says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

~*~

The shepherd

🐑 A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray-Ban sunglasses, leans out the window and asks the shepherd:

"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure."

The young man parks the car, whips out his laptop, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database in Excel, and prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That is correct," the shepherd says. "You may take one of the sheep."

The young man selects an animal and puts it in the back of his car. The shepherd looks at him and asks:

"If I can guess your profession, will you give me my animal back?"

The young man laughs and says, "Okay, why not?"

"You are a CEO of a Consulting Firm," says the shepherd.

"Amazing!" says the young man. "How did you know?"

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being wanted. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. And third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now give me back my dog."

~*~

The afterlife

🔥 A CEO dies and is greeted by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "You have lived a mixed life," says St. Peter. "So, I will let you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

The CEO takes the elevator down to Hell. The doors open, and he finds himself on a beautiful golf course. All his former business friends are there, dressed in tuxedos, cheering him on. They play a round of golf, eat lobster, and drink champagne. The Devil is charming and tells him funny stories. It is the best day of his life.

The next day, he goes to Heaven. It is peaceful. He floats on clouds, plays the harp, and sings. It is nice, but a bit boring.

St. Peter asks, "You have seen both. Which do you choose?"

The CEO thinks for a minute and says, "Heaven was nice, but I think I really belong in Hell."

So, he is sent down. The doors open, and he is standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage. His friends are dressed in rags, picking up trash. The Devil comes over and hands him a shovel.

"I don't understand," stammers the CEO. "Yesterday there was a golf course and lobster! What happened?"

The Devil smiles and replies:

"Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you are onboarded."

~*~

The generous gesture

✈️ The CEO, the COO, and the HR Director are flying in a private corporate jet.

Looking out the window, the CEO says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

The COO shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

The HR Director chimes in, "Actually, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

The pilot hears this from the cockpit, looks back, and yells:

"Or I could throw the three of you out the window and make the whole company happy!"

~*~

The race

🚣 A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged and the CEO created a corporate steering committee to investigate the problem.

The committee reported that the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

The CEO hired a consulting firm to solve the problem. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the CEO reorganized the team structure. He created four "steering managers," three "area steering supervisors," and implemented a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to give him more incentive to work harder.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

The American CEO laid off the rower for poor performance, sold the paddles, canceled all capital investments for a new canoe, and gave a "high performance" bonus to the consulting firm.

~*~

The secret

🗝️ A young executive is promoted to the C-suite and goes to see the retiring CEO to ask for advice.

"Sir," he asks, "what is the secret to your success?"

The CEO says, "Two words."

"And what are they, sir?" asks the young executive.

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make the right decisions?"

"One word."

"And what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get experience?"

"Two words."

The old CEO smiles and replies:

"Wrong decisions."

~*~

The invoice

⚙️ A giant steam engine in a major factory failed. The factory came to a standstill, costing the CEO thousands of dollars every minute. He hired a top mechanical expert to fix it.

The expert arrived, walked over to the machine, and inspected it carefully. He reached into his bag, pulled out a small hammer, and gently tapped a specific valve.

Instantly, the steam engine roared back to life.

A week later, the CEO received a bill for $10,000. He was furious. He wrote back, "You spent ten minutes here and only hit it with a hammer. I demand an itemized bill."

The expert sent back the new invoice:

Tapping with a hammer: $1.00 Knowing where to tap: $9,999.00

~*~

The heart transplant

🏥 A patient arrives at the hospital needing an emergency heart transplant. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have three hearts available. The bad news is they vary in price."

The patient asks, "Well, how much are they?"

The doctor replies, "The first heart belonged to a 22-year-old marathon runner. It costs $5,000."

"That sounds great," says the patient. "What about the second one?"

"The second belonged to a brilliant heart surgeon who took excellent care of himself. It costs $10,000."

"I see," says the patient. "And the third?"

"The third belonged to a Fortune 500 CEO. It costs $1,000,000."

The patient is shocked. "Why is the CEO's heart so expensive? Is it made of gold?"

The doctor shakes his head:

"No, it's just never been used."

~*~

The bar

🍻 Four beer company CEOs walk into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness.

He replies:

"I figured if you three weren't ordering beer, it would be rude for me to."

~*~

The software

💻 Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella walks into a coffee shop...

...and sees a young man feverishly working on his laptop. He walks over to him and asks, "Whatcha workin' on, young man?"

The young man looks up and says, "Welp, I'm making a custom Windows 11 operating system."

Satya replies, "Oh? And how do you do that?"

The young man replies, "I take the Windows kernel, add my custom GUI, add some bloatware, and then a ton of spyware!"

Satya gets angry and has him kicked out of the shop.

The following week, Satya Nadella strolls into another coffee shop and sees the same young man feverishly working on his laptop again.

Again, he walks over to the young man and asks in a stern voice, "Still working on your custom Windows 11?"

The young man looks up and proudly says, "Nope, today I'm making a custom Ubuntu Linux operating system! I call it Ubuntu Loaded."

Satya asks, "Oh? And how do you do that?"

The young man replies, "Welp, I take the Linux kernel, add my custom GUI, and finally I add the usual bloatware and then some more bloatware on top of that."

Satya replies, "I see. But no spyware?"

The young man looks up and replies:

"Naw, that would just make it Windows 11."

~*~

The investment

🖼️ A CEO went to see his lawyer and was greeted with the following comment:

"I have some good news and some bad news for you."

"OK, I've had an awful day, so let’s hear the good news first," the man replied.

"Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of $2 million."

"Well done, very good news indeed!" said the CEO enthusiastically. "You’ve made my day."

"Now, what is the bad news?"

"The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary."

~*~

The negotiation

🤝 Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "No."

Dad: "The girl is Bill Gates' daughter."

Son: "Then OK!"

Dad goes to Bill Gates.

Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates: "No."

Dad: "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Then OK!"

Dad goes to the President of the World Bank.

Dad: "Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank."

President: "No!"

Dad: "He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates."

President:

"Then OK."

~*~

The advertisement

🔨 The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice-over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done."

The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!"

A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground, a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!"

The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!"

Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit.

As he passes the camera, one of the centurions turns and says:

"We should have used B&Q nails!"

~*~

The wish

🧚‍♀️ A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says, "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says, "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" He is teleported into a classroom.

After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets on his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The CEO says, "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze." He is teleported to a restaurant.

After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says, "I'll be an artist," so he is transported to an art facility.

He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.

The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says, "I got a master's degree in art."

~*~

The tribe

🍖 A large corporation hires a tribe of cannibals. And they tell them:

"You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks, and then the CEO calls the tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the tribe checks with his people and says:

"No sir, we have not eaten anybody. It must be a coincidence."

The CEO is skeptical but he has no evidence, so he dismisses the tribe. Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his tribe and asks:

"Okay, which one of you idiots did it?"

A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hands and admits:

"I ate a secretary."

The chief smacks the tribesman and yells:

"You fool! We've been eating middle management for weeks and nobody has noticed.

Then you had to go and eat someone that does actual work!"

~*~

The envelopes

✉️ A new CEO was hired to take over a struggling company.

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run into serious trouble,” he said.

Three months later.

Sales and profits were still way down, and the new CEO was catching a lot of heat. He began to panic, but then he remembered the envelopes.

He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and explained that the previous CEO had left him with a real mess and it was taking a bit longer to clean it up than expected, but everything was on the right track.

Satisfied with his comments, the press—and Wall Street—responded positively.

Another quarter went by.

The company continued to struggle. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.

The message read, “Reorganize.”

So he fired key people, consolidated divisions, and cut costs everywhere he could. He did this, and Wall Street and the press applauded his efforts.

Three months passed.

The company was still short on sales and profits. The CEO would have to figure out how to get through another tough earnings call.

The CEO went to his office, closed the door, and opened the third envelope.

The message said:

“Prepare three envelopes.”

~*~

The payment

🏢 A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200, and says, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks:

"Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice:

"Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

~*~

The candidate

🐕 The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town.

A few days later, there was a knock on his door.

It was a dog—holding a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed.

The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog.

"Look, I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers."

The dog walked to one of the secretary's desks, climbed onto the chair, and calmly turned on the computer and the printer.

The CEO was amazed, but he decided to go further.

"That's good, but I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets."

The dog quickly opened Excel, scanned rows and columns of data, and then used pivot tables to create dashboards of charts.

The astonished CEO continued, his voice shaking.

"Well, that's really fantastic, but my secretary must be bilingual!"

The dog replied:

"Meow."

~*~

The schedule

🔄 A CEO of a company called his secretary (his married mistress) and told her that he wants to go on a trip with her this weekend so they can have some fun... and that she can tell her husband it’s a work trip, so she agreed.

She called her husband and told him that she has a work trip so she won’t spend this weekend with him. He understood.

Her husband then called his mistress and told her that his wife is out this weekend, so she should come because they will be all alone in the house. She agreed.

The husband’s mistress, who works as a babysitter, called the CEO and told him that she can’t babysit his kid this weekend because she has things to do. So he agreed.

The CEO called his secretary (his married mistress) to tell her that he can’t go because he needs to babysit his kid.

The secretary called her husband and told him the news. The husband told his mistress to cancel.

The mistress called the CEO and told him that she canceled her plans and she can be with his kid for the weekend.

The CEO called his secretary...

~*~

The car

🚘 Today, the CEO of my company came into the office in a brand new BMW.

"Nice car," I complimented him.

"Well," he said, "if you put in enough time, effort, and dedication, and work as hard as you can, then next year I’ll have an even better car."

Short-form jokes

🦁 A CEO and a mailroom clerk are camping when they see a lion running toward them.

The CEO starts putting on his running shoes.

The clerk says, "You can't outrun a lion!"

The CEO replies, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you."

~*~

🚪 My CEO has an open-door policy. It means he’s totally open to letting you walk out the door if you ask for a raise.

~*~

📦 My CEO told me to "think outside the box." So I went home at 2 PM.

~*~

🪂 A "Golden Parachute" is a magical device that allows a CEO to crash a plane and land on a private island.

~*~

Q&A jokes

🥩 What do you call a CEO with a piece of meat in his hand?

"A steakholder."

~*~

⛪ What's the difference between a CEO and God?

" God doesn't think he's a CEO."

~*~

📫 Why did the post office recall the stamps with the CEO's picture on them?

"Because people were spitting on the wrong side."

~*~

🥛 An optimist sees the glass half full. A pessimist sees the glass half empty. What does the CEO see?

"He sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be, and he immediately downsizes the glass."

~*~

🦈 Why won't sharks attack a CEO swimming in the ocean?

Professional courtesy.

~*~

💡 How many CEOs does it take to change a light bulb?

"None. They call a meeting, form a task force, and invite a consultant to explain why darkness is actually a strategic cost-saving synerg and the new industry standard."